Sunday, August 31, 2025

Death Of A Policeman


 

On December 14, 1974, two Moncton police officers, Constables Michael O’Leary and Corporal Aurèle Bourgeois were shot to death and buried in shallow graves outside of Moncton. They had been searching for the kidnappers of a 14-year-old boy. The effect of their deaths on the families and co-workers was immediate and has lasted for generations. This historical fiction piece attempts to follow the life of one of those persons. Names and other information have been changed to protect identities.

Introduction

The rhythmic hissing of the ventilator is strangely calming to the woman holding vigil at his bedside. Last week, a nervous young doctor told her that her husband had “multiple cancers” discovered on the CT scan. Like an electrical grid map after a lightning strike, her mind shut down, unable to assimilate the information. Reg responded with determination and desperation that he would “beat this thing.” Now, as he lay in a coma, she struggled in an eddy of emotions, trying to connect the pieces of their life.

Reg Storey was born in southern New Brunswick. His community offered little employment to a high school dropout. While still young, he travelled to the old-growth forest of British Columbia, where he worked sixteen-hour days. He cut an imposing figure and never shied away from a co-worker foolish enough to challenge him to a scuffle. Returning to New Brunswick, his reputation as a tough but fair man followed. He was hired and trained by the local police force. After completing the program, on a fine summer evening, he met Rita Arsenault at a local dance. Reg was not a subtle man. He spied the pretty young woman as he entered the hall. Abandoning his police buddies and fortified with a few drinks, he walked over to introduce himself. Rita, who had just moved to the city from her home in Nova Scotia, found the man

 

charming in a rough sort of way. She made room for him among her friends, and the two fell into a conversation like old companions. He stopped in to visit many times after that. Three months later, they sat quietly in the corner of a local café while the snow fell heavily outside.

He couldn’t find a place to rest his big, brawny hands, so he impulsively kept pushing back his thick brown hair. Finally, he got the nerve up to ask young Rita if she would marry him. Without hesitation, she answered yes. Her mother was not thrilled when she was given the news. She liked the polite young man well enough, however, being a policeman didn’t pay very well, and at the same time, the city was dangerous.

But the young couple were determined to be together, and she relented. After a short engagement, they were married. They settled into their new life with the optimism reserved for the young. A year later, their first child, Sonya, was born.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 CHAPTER ONE

Thursday, December 12, 1974. Mike O’Leary’s patrol car blocked the entrance to the police station with the hood raised. It was 8:10 p.m. He and his partner, Aurèle Bourgeois, were trying to jump-start the vehicle. Their shift was supposed to start ten minutes ago. Aurèle sat in the car reviewing the day shift report. The two men shared a friendship built on a bond of trust, not unusual with police officers. A radio call can mean split-second decisions resulting in injury or death. Aurèle turned over the ignition while Mike jump-started the solenoid. He came around the front of the car laughing. Aurèle grinned, knowing something was up with his partner.

“Hey, I know that’s a good trick, bud, but I didn’t think it would make you laugh,” said Aurèle.

“In 19 days, this lad is going to be a corporal! Sarge told me I passed the exam.” Mike’s face beamed.

“Wow, that’s great news. You worked hard for it, Mike, congrats.” Aurèle jumped from the car and hugged his partner.

“I won’t be driving old clunkers like this one. And in 19 days, Angie and I move into that house we have been looking at. We are in for some good luck; I can feel it. Let’s get this rust bucket on the road. We will be off for a week after this shift. Time to get ready for the best Christmas!” Aurèle swung the car smoothly onto Main Street, humming his favourite Christmas carol.

“Why was the second shift kept on?” Aurèle wondered aloud.

“Yea, I don’t know, but after the Sergeant was talking to me, he and the Chief went into a huddle like something had them spooked,” responded Mike as much to himself as to his partner.

 

 

“I don’t remember seeing the Chief in the briefing room, after 6:00 p.m. since the Bank of Montreal robbery last year.”

Their conversation was cut short by an all-points bulletin. “All units be on the lookout for a 1968 to 1970 two-door Cadillac car with a light-beige body and a dark top, New Brunswick plate number Alpha, November, Whiskey, 315—possible Code 11. Use extreme caution. Subjects are armed. Stand by for further bulletins. The two men looked at each other with concern.

“Well, bud, there goes hope for a quiet shift,” commented Aurèle as he stared into the dark December night.

*

The morning of December 13 was cold, and dampness had settled into the small apartment. Rita had been up during the night with their infant daughter, who was running a fever and had a worrisome cough. Rita glanced at the kitchen clock, 7:00 a.m. Reg was late getting off the night shift.

She had heard a lot of sirens the previous night, they’re probably raiding some bootleggers, she thought absently. A few minutes later, a car door closing announced Reg’s arrival. The pent-up stress in her shoulders began to melt. She put the kettle on the stove and set out his treat of molasses cookies and King Cole tea, his usual after shifts. Last night, Rita placed the matching teacups, saucers, and sugar bowl on the table. It was part of a six-piece setting her parents had given them as a wedding gift.

Before setting out the tea, Rita listened for the thud of Reg taking off his boots in the hallway closet. But instead, she heard his heavy steps as he hurried to the bathroom. She cocked her head to one side, listening as the tightness returned in her shoulders. Being the wife of a policeman was a challenging transition for Rita. The midnight shifts were the worst. There were few distractions, and Sonya usually slept. The silence was broken occasionally by sirens. Even worst still was when a shooting or big event caused the police scanner to buzz with activity, like last night. Reg didn’t want her to buy it, but it was her way of being close to him.

When he came into the kitchen, his face was ashen. He dropped heavily onto his chair, rubbing his face as if to erase a difficult event. "What’s goin’ on Reg? Rita asked as she poured the tea. You look as though you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I hope to Christ I haven’t.” he responded as he picked up his cup with a shaky hand. It’s bad, Rita, as bad as it gets. A couple of low-life punks kidnapped the son of Abe Luckovich, the restaurant owner. Mike and Aurèle Bourgeois were out looking, but now nobody knows where they are." Mike and his wife Angie were part of a circle of friends made up mostly of policemen and spouses. Mike and Reg had worked together when Reg first joined the Force. The four men were well respected among the front-line crew and management.

“It’s a full call out. Lads from another shift are backing up the call sheet. They couldn’t reach Mike and Aurèle on the radio. When a crew member went to their last known location, the car was empty, and nobody was around. We think the dirtbags got them.” Standing with the teapot, Rita suddenly felt weak as she tried to take in what was happening.

Willing herself not to fall, she slumped into the nearest chair and looked across to her husband, his face contorted in anxiety. She sensed their quiet, predictable life was tumbling out of control and they were powerless to stop it.

She reached for Reg’s hand. The speed which he pulled back caught Rita off guard, leaving her momentarily confused and lost. “I’m okay; you don’t need to worry about me,” Reg said with determination, as much to himself as to his wife. “When we catch those sleazy bastards, we’ll string them up by their balls, he said, gulping his cup of tea and putting his service cap and equipment back on. “The Chief says we need everybody on this one. Will you and the baby be okay, eh? I will call you later. He picked up a package of Mackintosh cream toffee. Rita made sure one was always on the hall table. It was his stress reliever since he stopped smoking. The start of the police car’s heavy engine was followed by a trail of headlights that swept the wall. He was gone.

Rita turned on the radio to drown the silence and the worried voices in her head. At times like these, she felt adrift, alone. It was increasingly this way when something threatened their routine. It seemed Reg was trying to shelter her from its effects; instead, it left her feeling shut out, unable to be a full partner in her husband’s life. The shrill, metallic sound of the telephone pulled her from the dark void into which she was falling.

“Hi, Rita, it’s Angie.” Rita’s throat contracted, and she again felt light-headed. She struggled to find her voice. The result was a hoarse whisper.

“Hi Angie, how are you holding up? she asked.

“I’m not doing well,” was the response. “The telephone’s been ringing steadily, and other wives are calling. I know most of them mean well, but Jesus, Rita, I don’t want to be talkin’ with a bunch of nosey crepe hangers.” Angie was from Newfoundland. She and Rita shared the same offbeat view of people and events. They bonded the first time they met.

“The Chief and his ass lickin’ lap dog Sergeant Fitzpatrick were here snooping around. Gawd, I can’t stand either of them. The Chief is sayin’ all that syrupy stuff about Mike. Last week, he was ready to can him when Mike spoke up about cops beating up the bums on St. George Street for no reason. And that Fitzpatrick pullin’ out the plastic evidence bag, lookin’ for the bathroom. Does he think I don’t know he was going to get hair samples from Mike’s hairbrush in case they find him dead?” There was a pause that seemed like an eternity. As much as she wanted to, Rita didn’t try to fill it. “He’s not dead, is he Rita?” Angie’s pleading voice was a whisper now. As her friend’s voice trailed off, Rita found the strength in her own. Over the years, this interdependence defined the two friends.

“Angie, you and I have been through a lot with our husbands. We know they are good men and good cops. We have to trust that Mike knows how to take care of himself and Aurèle is the same way. They are out there doing their job. When Sonya wakes and has breakfast, we will come over. You can try and beat me in a game of forty-fives. And I’ll be watching you, don’t cheat!”

Angie responded, her voice firming up. “Girl, you got to learn to play by Newfie rules. I can teach you,” she replied, cheered.

“We will be over in about an hour.”

Rita hung up the receiver with dread hanging over her, but it was outweighed by her determination to stick by her friend. When she went in to check on Sonya, the baby stood up in her crib, smiling. A hand on her forehead confirmed the fever had broken in the night. A wave of relief washed over the young mother as she gathered the baby in her arms. The joy was tempered with concern as she recalled the anxiety Angie was experiencing.

As she changed and bathed Sonya, her thoughts turned to Reg; where was he now? He would be obsessive in searching for his friend. She hoped he would not compromise his own safety in the hunt. What must he be feeling? The look on his face earlier had frightened her. A combination of resolve and fear she had not seen in him before. Why would he not talk about how he was feeling? When they were young, she found the tough, unwavering facade an attractive quality. But now they were married with a child. Their small apartment was cramped, and their limited budget was always stretched. These were thoughts and concerns they should be sharing, but from other situations, she had learned of Reg’s belief in the division of labour. His was his paid work. Hers was to keep house. The two worlds were not to mix. After breakfast, she bundled up Sonya securely, and they headed down the street to hold vigil with her friend.


 CHAPTER TWO

Radio silence had been ordered since the abandoned police car and Mike’s portable radio were found a mile north of the city. The fear was that the kidnappers had Bourgeois’ portable and could hear where the units were being directed.

Despite the ban, the radio chatter continued as officers followed up on dozens of public reports. Reg snatched the mic from its holder. “Jesus Christ, boys, stay off the radio. Those bastards are listening. Call if you have something; otherwise, contact Sarge on a landline.” The radio went silent. Reg was a young officer but respected and, in some cases, feared by all ranks. He and Morel had covered over two hundred miles since starting the double shift at eight that morning. He glanced at the dim numbers on the car clock to see it was nearly 1:00 a.m. December 15. He hadn’t slept for almost twenty hours, aside from the fitful naps he got in the break rooms. The adrenaline coursing through his veins would prevent more until they found Mike.

They used Morel’s car to avoid unnecessary attention. They had a portable radio and a cherry light in case they had to move fast. The rain and snow mix stopped; now a cold front had moved in, making driving treacherous. They pulled over to look at a city map. The cords on Reg’s neck felt like live wires as he chewed furiously on the toffee bar.

“You and Mike were good friends, eh Reg?” Morel attempted to ease the tension.

“What the fuck do you mean by saying, were?” Even in the muted light, Morel could see the lividity in his partner’s face. He considered getting out.

“I’m sorry, Reg. I wasn’t thinking straight.” A heavy silence crept between the two men. Several tense minutes slipped by in silence.

“Yea, Mike and I were wet behind the ears, rookies. We were sworn in the same day and were partners for a while. Man, that guy’s instincts were keen. He used his head where I, maybe, used my hands too much. Fuck, I did the same as you, talking like he is dead. He isn’t, he can’t be.”

Reg’s voice was lost in a hoarse whisper. He struggled to get out of the car, feeling it was crumbling around him. Try as he might, but he could not breathe. A sudden and violent weight was crushing his chest. Sweat seeped from every pore in his body. 

*

Rita and Sonya walked alone on the street, usually buzzing with morning traffic. Joyful Christmas music played from a small grocery store as they passed. Pretty lighted ornaments dazzled Sonya, who was snuggled warmly in her stroller.

She carried on a lively conversation with herself as they came up to Angie’s house. It was a modest two-story building in a quiet part of the city. Mike had worked hard to landscape the yard, and even in December, it stood out among others. Angie was a creative seamstress. Her handiwork was evident in the intricately designed curtains seen through the windows.

Angie opened the front door as Rita approached. “Hi! I was watching for you two,” she said excitedly. She scooped up Sonya, much to the delight of the baby, who was obviously comfortable with the routine. “How’s my little princess?” she asked as she rubbed her nose on her belly. This brought squeals of delight from Sonya. Angie and Mike were not able to have their own children and were awaiting word on an adoption application. She had raised several of her siblings after their mother died from cancer when Angie was fifteen. It was obvious to Rita, watching her dote on Sonya that she would be a wonderful mother.

“The fever broke overnight,” offered Rita. The mustard plaster you made is a miracle cure. She stopped coughing an hour after you left.”

Yea, I swear by it. Mom used it on all of us, even when we got older. Jesus, the smell!” They both laughed freely for a moment. “I put the tea on and have some of those molasses cookies you and Reg like.” Angie said as she placed Sonya on a thick blanket with toys she had bought. “And I took the phone off the hook. Sergeant Snaggle Puss said he would send a car over if anything happens.” Rita smothered a chuckle at the reference to Sergeant Fitzpatrick as she joined her friend on the couch.

“It looks like you’ve been cleaning," said Rita, pointing to the mop and pail in the corner with several rags.

“I went through the house twice, even the windows. Next thing, I probably will start scrubbing the sidewalk.” Angie replied as she filled their cups with hot King Cole tea.

“That’s better than watching the TV, answered Rita. “They are really working hard. Reg came home for a few minutes and is staying on till they find him. I know Mike would be doing the same if it were him who was missing. They are two peas in a pod for sure.”

“Yes, they are. Remember that time they did over the upstairs bathroom? The cursing and swearing, mostly Reg of course.” The two women laughed fondly at the memory.

Angie’s face darkened. “I know he may be dead. We talked about the possibility. He took out a big insurance policy, so with the police pension, if he is gone, I will be okay. And you know Mike and his ‘prepare for anything’ motto? He planned and paid for his funeral. He asked Reg to do the eulogy. We were laughing, Father Dolan would have to warn Reg, no cursing.” Angie’s voice fell away as she gazed at Sonya, asleep with a stuffed toy.

“God, please don’t take him. I miss him so terribly. What would I have to live for?” Tears streamed freely from her dark eyes. Rita said nothing. But she held her friend firmly and quietly.

*

Reg sat on the frozen ground beside the car, struggling to breathe against the weight on his chest. His uniform was soaked with sweat. Morel crouched attentively beside him. “Here Reg, take deep breaths into this bag, slow deep breaths. Pretend you don’t smell the bologna sandwich my wife packed in my lunch. That’s it, slow and steady wins the race, deep breath in, hold, deep breath out.” Reg’s breathing slowed and became more regular.

“I don’t know what the hell came over me. Maybe it’s a heart attack. Christ, this can’t be happening now when Mike needs me.”

“I’m no doctor for sure, but I think you may be having a panic attack,” said Morel as he leaned heavily against the car door. The first one I had; I was five years on the Force. A neighbourhood kid got run over by a drunk. Two months after, I was a mess with flashbacks, panic attacks, the works. Francine, my wife saw it all. When I came off shift one day, she and this nerdy guy were in our kitchen. He is a psychiatrist and they work together in the psych unit. I was super pissed with her. She told me how my crazy behaviour was freaking her out and scaring our baby girl. I think I bawled more that night than I did all my life. Anyways I agreed to talk with Ken. Reg, no shit, I don’t think I would have made it without that guy’s help. Francine, she stuck by me. It must have been so hard for her. I thought that I had to handle everything and show no emotion. That bullshit we men are told has messed up too many good guys.”

Reg’s breathing was more regular now, and he felt a chill creeping up his back from the frozen ground. He got up slowly. Morel reached down to help his partner up. Reg recoiled, pushing the arm away. “I’m okay, I don’t need help. He leaned heavily on the car to steady himself. Let’s run up to where this road meets the Old Line,” he said brusquely as he wiped the mud off his uniform. He walked quickly to the driver’s side and was already on the radio. Morel picked Reg’s cap off the ground, shaking his head; his partner had heard nothing of what he offered.

*

Sonya was awake, gazing at her mother and Angie with that cherub look reserved for infants. Rita lifted her child from the blanket and placed her gently in her friend’s arms. The transformation in Angie’s face was immediate and complete. Sonya raised her chubby arms in delight as her tiny fingers discovered Angie’s face.

“Angie, I know you are in a terrible place. I would do anything to push away the darkness if I could. This will sound crazy, but I wish Reg and I had the love you two have. You have stared the possibility of Mike’s death in the face together and he had the courage to plan for it.

I do love Reg, but we don’t have what you do. He shuts me out anytime crap is coming down the pipe. He thinks he has to protect me as if I am weaker than him because I am a woman. His dad was the same. I imagine it goes back generations. Angie, that’s not love, that’s wanting to control, and it’s eating us up. Jesus, what am I doing babbling on when I came here for you?” Rita looked over at Sonya and Angie, who always had that gift of bringing joy to the little girl. Angie smiled as though recalling a happier time.

“Mike’s dad was a kind and gentle man. He and Mike are the same. They listen more than talk. I do enough talkin’ for both of us.” She laughed, then turned away.

Angie shifted her weight on the couch and stared listlessly out the window. A figure appearing on the walkway shook her out of her stupor. She bolted for the door and tore it open. The man holding his plumbing tools took a step back in surprise.

“I got the part for the washer Mrs. O’Leary. Sorry I should have called ahead. I can come back when it’s more convenient.”

“Yes, that would work better. We will call you, thanks.” said Rita, who had slid between Angie and the door. The serviceman nodded and was gone.

Angie slipped back to her seat. “Thanks, Rita. That guy musta’ got a scare from my crazy lady look. Man, I am so wound up.”

“That’s nothing, said Rita. The same guy came to our place to unplug the toilet, last month. I was up half the night trying to open it, and Sonya was bawling like a cow left in the back field. I opened the door with a plunger in my hand. Never saw a man so afraid of a woman!” They broke into spontaneous belly laughs. Sonya, watching from her place, joined in with plenty of giggles. “Okay, announced Rita; Miss Sonya and I are parking our asses here for the night!” she paused, looking over at her friend. Angie’s response was to return her friend’s earlier deep hug. Nothing more was needed.

*

Reg was behind the wheel of Vince Morel’s car as it crept along the streets, now slick with ice. The wipers fought uselessly against the constant freezing rain. “There are too many things wrong here. It isn’t adding up. The Luckovich kid was kidnapped around 11p.m. Thursday. The family made the money drop at 3:45 a.m. Friday near the Riverview mall.

Our guys didn’t tap the line the kidnappers used to talk with Sarge and the Chief, so we had no units who could have picked them up. On top of that, nobody thought to tell the Mounties. They could have set up roadblocks going into Salisbury a few miles away. At least the kidnappers released the child, and we know he is safe, but nobody has a clue where the kidnappers disappeared to. I’m not liking this at all Vince. Now we hear two of our guys were wasting time tailing the Chief’s own car when they should have been looking for the kidnappers. Why was he out there and why did he not let anybody know? Was he trying to set this up so it would be his show? It’s a Keystone Cops episode and nobody is laughing.”

Morel, who had been silent after his partner’s collapse, now came to life. “Reg, what we know is Mike and Aurèle were tailing the kidnapper’s car after they dropped off the kid and picked up the ransom money. They called in. That was about 4:00 a.m. Friday. There has been no communication since then. With the kidnappers and our two guys missing, we can assume the two parties met. And we also have to assume that since Mike and Aurèle have not called back, they are still with the kidnappers. We don’t know what happened. Where would they have taken our lads with the ransom money? It can’t be far but Mike and Aurèle are extra baggage for them. I’m thinking it has to be in an area off a side road within a five-mile radius of where we are.” Morel turned the car on to Coverdale Road. He squinted to read the car’s clock. It read 5:45 a.m. Saturday. We are going to search every side road and driveway through to Salisbury. I was raised not far from here and I know this area like the back of my hand. We won’t quit Reg, we can’t!” Reg began to look at his partner in a different light. The private battle he was fighting had an ally he could trust.

Al and Me

 Al and I met when I was 43. He was 38; I think. Truth in gay men online encounters is subjective. That’s where the story begins.

My life at forty - three was hanging in a balance, a single misstep threatening a plunge into the unknown. I was married with a wife and child, living in a conservative rural community. He lived an urban life, with his wife and daughter. We rarely touched on this part of our lives. Our chat room aliases ignored inconvenient tags like, MGM (married gay male), GMK (Gay Married with Kids). We disguised ourselves among the hidden. It was a schizophrenic existence. Our alternate selves never left our sides, providing ample room for guilt and self-doubt.

Early on, I could tell that Al was a doting father to Marion, a high school senior. They would walk their dog around their neighbourhood, and she would chat about her life. Marion was bright and often challenged his conservative middle-class views on current events. He was proud of her independent nature. In some ways, I envied their relationship. My son Sheldon was about eight years old. He was already showing aspects of what would become his defiant and challenging personality.  

Al’s wife, Darlene, was a senior administrator in the private sector. Their relationship and mine was nearly casual. I think it was the path of least resistance for all concerned. But it doesn’t adequately consider our children’s best interests. As a result, we were left with half-lived lives.

My job required travel outside the province. Following a month of online conversations, we met. A port city always attracted me. It was at what had become my favourite watering hole over the years, a rowdy downtown Irish bar called The Split Crow. I was into my second beer when he came through the door. Using pictures we shared (all G rated), he was recognizable at about five feet ten inches tall, and his light brown hair was greying at the temples. Moving from the bright summer afternoon sun into the cool dark interior of the bar caused him to walk cautiously. We exchanged greetings, friends. He wiped the sweat from his brow, clearly yearning for a more tranquil setting. After a couple of drinks, he relaxed a bit. We talked about the city and its historic harbour. His knowledge of the local area and its significance was impressive.

We talked about our jobs. He was desperately unhappy with his work in a massive government bureaucracy. His work had long since extinguished his initial intellectual curiosity. I watched as he scanned the room with a mixture of curiosity and unease.

A popular local band wound up the crowd for the evening performance. Groups of young men enjoyed a midsummer outing. We surveyed them with a practiced gay man’s eye and jokingly shared a few lurid comments. Had I been solo, I would have chatted up someone who caught my eye and returned the look. I had discovered an aspect of my gay character I was unaware of. I was a bit of a lone wolf, not interested in banter. Seeing an attractive man, I observed his group comfort level. In my insecurity, I limited myself to masculine-looking and acting men. I’d approach intriguing individuals, start a conversation, and gauge their reaction.

Al’s strategy tended toward passive, preferring observation over approach. At the end of the evening, however, we both agreed, at our age, we were late to the party and not too skilled in modern dalliances.

That warm summer night came to define our activities during my visits, peppered with occasional sojourns to the local gay bars. We interspersed these jaunts with walking tours of the city and many enjoyable restaurant meals I wouldn’t ordinarily visit. This was Al’s world, and he was gracious in sharing it. 

We continued with our regular emails and occasional phone chats, updating each other about ongoing life events. Encounters between men who are gay often lead to sexual events. Ours would not go in that direction. We found ourselves in a unique state of finding a trusted friend. When Gary, my future husband, entered my life a few years later, it felt like Al had made space for him. He tried to introduce Gary to new culinary experiences with little success. Undeterred, Al made extra efforts to befriend my young partner, and we three enjoyed lots of laughs and conversations. 

In 2004, Al was granted extended sick leave because of his growing depression. It was a tremendous relief. He talked about the places he and Darlene would visit when Marion went to university the following year. It was the most outwardly happy I had ever seen him. I still have a picture of Al shovelling his driveway after that year’s massive blizzard. He has this crazy grin and a mound of snow twice his height behind him. He told me it took three days to clear the snow as he met neighbours he had never spoken to before. It was a snowy block party. 

About a month later, Al complained about being tired and unable to catch his breath. After a visit with his doctor, he called me to at my. He was whispering. I assumed he didn’t want Darlene to hear. He had tested positive for HIV. He spoke in a cracked and weak voice. Al’s doctor was optimistic about controlling his condition, but Al hadn’t told Darlene. We talked about how she might handle the news, and he agreed it was best to share the news with her. The following week, he called, sounding more optimistic. His treatment had started and the early blood results were promising. But weakness consumed him, sapping his strength. They agreed not to tell Marion, as it would distract her from focusing on end-of-year exams and university applications.

I visited Al in the early spring of 2005. A small restaurant, our regular spot, became the setting for our talks and watching others. My first view of him was shocking. My friend had aged thirty years. His once youthful face was gaunt; his skin, wizened. He wore a winter parka despite the warm day and shuffled with the gait of a man twice his age. He threw himself onto the chair, exhausted. A wide grin spread across his face at my arrival. If he had seen my shocked look, he didn’t show the isolation he must have felt.

He asked about Gary and how our relationship was developing. Al being Al, he couldn’t avoid requesting any salacious details I could offer. Satisfied that we were doing well, he leaned in to share his own news. He had full-blown AIDS. Two days before, a scan had shown lesions on his liver. He reached over and placed his hands over mine. I shivered, unsure if it was because of his chilled skin or the sudden reality that my friend and I were about to embark on a dark path.

I let him take the lead in conversation. He talked about Marion; she had completed her exams and would graduate with honours. His face lit up when he reported her acceptance into the prestigious university’s science program. She hoped to go into medicine. His unabashed pride as a father was palpable. He had shared the news of his sickness and prognosis with her. Since his initial diagnosis, he dreaded the moment, anticipating she would respond with vitriol and bitterness. Instead, she gathered him in her arms and held him, saying nothing. Life offered him unprecedented solace. We talked a bit more, but it was apparent he was tiring. He promised to be up for a more extended conversation during my next visit.

As I walked back to my hotel, I considered Al richly blessed amongst those who suffered. He had a wife and daughter whose love was steadfast and a person who he could call his friend.

My last visit with Al was in the late summer. Reviewing work emails, I noticed an unfamiliar address. It was Al’s wife, Darlene. She got my email address from him. I had not met her, preferring to avoid any uncomfortable moments with the wife of a gay friend. Her message was direct but sincere. Al’s condition had deteriorated over the past week. Her silence notwithstanding, his physician delivered grim news: his life was over. Then the most extraordinary thing happened: she asked if I would visit him. Al had told her about our friendship, and she felt it was important that I say goodbye. Gary would also be welcome. I was astonished.

Two days later, we pulled up in Al’s driveway. Without the circumstances, the event would have felt unreal. Here I was with my partner half my age, visiting a man I had befriended in a gay chat room. Darlene welcomed us. She directed us to the sunroom, where Al sat snoozing.

She said he was excited about our visit and had insisted on shaving that morning, but even that was too much and he had fallen asleep afterward. He didn’t wake up as we came around to take our seats opposite him. His breath was barely audible and came sporadically. Jaundice had discolored his once-tanned skin.

Gary and I whispered so as not to startle him, but Al slowly opened his eyes and smiled his welcoming smile. We began with our usual banter, which dissipated as the moment weighed on all of us. Then, I did something that still surprises me today. I reached over, took my friend’s hands, and held them in my own. The warmth seemed to bring Al comfort as a few errant tears slid down his cheeks.

I smoothed them away, realizing how incredibly deep and blue his eyes were. We said nothing for a few moments. Words were superfluous. He thanked us for the visit and wondered what brought us down his way. I invented a nearby meeting, yet I believe he detected my falsehood.

We talked about how we met and embarrassed Gary by describing some late nights at the gay club. The visit was, by necessity, brief. Following Darlene’s signal, we left for supper. He apologized for missing out but promised to join next time. We would all go to a fancy restaurant where Gary could not find hamburgers or fries. I embraced him, knowing it would be our last. When we reached the front door with Darlene, we heard the soft sound of Al snoring in the warmth of the sun-filled room.

Gary came to the funeral with me. It was an early October day, sunny and mild. This marked Gary’s first close friend’s funeral; I worried about his response. Throughout my time as an altar boy, I learned to steady my emotions during these events. We took seats near the back of the church. A few moments later, the minister began his walk from the altar to greet the family.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, life throws us off balance. The choir’s hymn marked that moment for me. A tidal bore came rushing against the wall I had built to protect myself from feeling my emotions. The wall disintegrated. The overwhelming emotion left me gasping for air. I struggled against drowning in grief. It was the loss of my friend, combined with the reality I could not hide how I was feeling. I felt exposed and alone. Gary’s hand on mine was like a hot knife. I recoiled, leaving him startled. The emotional cascade slowed as the choir took their seats. I heaved myself into the pew, spent. While the minister continued the service, I tried to shore up my defences against another emotional tsunami. But as the service concluded with a familiar hymn, I was once again caught in roiling emotions. 

I attempted to pay my respects to Darlene, but the result was a jumble of words which did nothing but put her in an awkward position. I left the church as people stared at this person, probably thinking he was one of Al’s sex partners. It was a mixture of sympathy and scorn. The embarrassing event left me struggling to understand what had happened to my defence shield, which had kept me fortified for decades. I don’t think I had the resources to pursue an answer. I was unprepared.

Reflecting upon twenty years of considerable personal development, I recall that day. First, I should shift the focus off me and onto Gary. Picture a young, recently out gay man’s love for a closeted, older married man. You try to find your place in the hall of mirrors built by this older man and then you meet one of his friends, who is also married and dying from AIDS. At his funeral, you see your partner collapse before you. We have remained together and now, as my husband, with quiet determination, he is helping me to replace that emotional facade with self acceptance. There are lots of retreats on the battle field but knowing he is there gives me confidence in finding the real me.

PostScript addition: I add this note to examine Al’s fatal pursuit of another man’s affections and spent the years I spent playing sexual roulette, hiding from myself. How does it happen that I’m the one who got to meet this young man whose love has outlasted my growing-up period?

Compassion characterized Al’s friendship. Maybe he also loved me. Self-absorbed, I disregarded it; return was impossible, undesirable. But he stayed and taught me more than he learned. My aging mind recalls a poem. “The Prayer of an Unknown Soldier” speaks to our feeble attempts to design our own world while ignoring the chances of growing from the negative circumstances that befall us. The poem reflects what Al and Gary have shown me. “I asked for all things so I might enjoy life, I was given life so that I might enjoy all things…I am among all men most richly blessed.” Allan Gray rest in a peaceful graveyard with a granite marker. His wife Darlene’s name is inscribed beside his.

Christmas on the River

  “Christmas On The River” includes stories from the authors childhood growing up in Miramichi, New Brunswick. Other narratives are taken fr...